My (Prodigal) Daughter Returns: Wants To Wear Makeup Now

My daughter has fancied makeup since she was 3 years old. She is fond of all things makeup. She sits and literally ‘studies’ those full-page newspaper ads of jewelry chains. The ones where brides wear fine jewelry and lots of makeup. She regularly sneaks open my vanity pouch to pull out her favourite playthings. At school, the biggest highlight of performing a dance on an annual day for her is that she gets to wear makeup. 

One day, she sees me putting on my makeup before attending a wedding party, and asks me to share it with her. She wants to wear it to the party too. I tell her she cannot as the cosmetics are not good for her skin. “Then, why do you wear makeup?”, she asks. I say, ‘I’m a grown-up. My skin is not as delicate as yours.’ She repeats with emphasis this time, “But why do you wear makeup”?

“I wear makeup because everyone does at a party. Parties are special occasions. You meet a lot of people,” I explain.

I haven’t convinced her. Hell, I haven’t convinced myself. Pat comes the next question, “Why does everyone wear makeup?”

Okay. Stop and think. What’s the objective of using makeup? “To look good”, I tell her. She whines, “I want to look good too. Can I use makeup?”

The Reason I Said ‘No’ To My Daughter Wearing Makeup

As for every difficult parenting question, I look up answers in my own childhood memories. No memory of wearing makeup as a child comes to me. It was just not a done thing.

I do remember having started to wear makeup as a teen, to weddings in the family. And I also remember a disapproving comment made by an older cousin about it. There is also the memory of hearing grown-ups talk disparagingly about ‘fashionable girls’. 

Being an impressionable child (yes, I was, okay!), I must have learned that I was supposed to keep my outward appearance simple. And not deck up for much other than the Big Fat Indian Wedding in the family. Looking good generally was not supposed to be my priority. And making an obvious effort to that end was out of the question. Focus on your studies, the grown-ups would tell me.

I did submit to this conditioning. In any case, my appearance was not my area of choice for rebellion. I had already reserved that privilege for the kitchen. One has to pick their battles.

But The Learning Didn’t Work Forever

Years later, the lessons from my childhood came into question. Even before my child questioned them, that is. I was sitting between my day-old husband and his aunt in a car. This would be my first visit to my husband’s childhood home after our wedding. The baratis had just taken an overnight train back to my husband’s hometown, with me in tow. As we approached the house, my aunt-in-law asked me to put on some lip color. I told her I was not carrying any with me. That I had packed all of it with my luggage. She promptly took out some from her bag and shared it with me. She also shared the wisdom that as a bride, I was supposed to always carry makeup with me. 

O-kay.

Another year later. Another drive. This time I was traveling from Delhi to another city for a wedding in my husband’s extended family. We had started at dawn to beat the traffic. My husband and brothers-in-law decided to wear comfortable track pants for the journey. I knew better. I dutifully wore the most relaxed set of salwar-kameez I had in my wardrobe. All set. 

Except nothing was. We reached the shaadi-ka-ghar and exchanged customary greetings. Then another aunt-in-law took me aside. She chided me for what I had arrived wearing. ‘Too simple for the newest bride in the family. And no makeup’! 

Wait. A. Minute. 

I was confused. I had been taught all through my childhood to appear ‘simple’. Decent girls do not deck-up without a special occasion. And now I was to dress up even for a road trip to another city? Being a year-old bride made that a ‘special occasion’?

The Reason My Explanation To My Daughter Didn’t Seem Enough

I’ve remained in that state of confusion since then. Have even felt inadequate or lazy at times, not being overly interested in sprucing my appearance up every now and then. I definitely did not want my daughter to go through those uncomfortable feelings because of what I tell her about makeup today.

Then my daughter and her interest in makeup compelled me to seek clarity about this whole ‘looking good’ business. 

What Was The Logic?

Why was using makeup not acceptable in my family? Why was trying to look good okay only on certain occasions? And why was it necessary in my in-laws’ family? I needed the right answer to make the right rule for my daughter using makeup.

It wasn’t that simplicity was a virtue only for my community and not my husband’s. ‘Fashionable girls’ was a refrain I had heard at the in-laws’ too. 

So the differentiator had to be my marital status. As an unmarried girl, I was supposed to keep a low profile generally. Not attract too much attention. Hence makeup was not cool before marriage, except at social gatherings. I could not be a wayward girl seeking attention, while I was with my parents, could I?

But after marriage, I was supposed to appear attractive at all times when I was with my husband. As a wife, I was to wear makeup ever so often to look worthy of him. And he was there now to protect me from any unwanted attention. This must also have been the logic underlying the (thankfully) forgotten tradition of widows only wearing colorless clothes.

I could not have given this explanation to my daughter. I did not want to. No one- including me- was going to in any way tell her to lead a life in the anticipation of a husband. A husband who could free her of all limitations of the single-life and impose others in the process.

She was free already. And she deserved to feel good about herself just like that. She did not have to look good ‘for anyone else’.

So, What Rule Do I Make For My Daughter Wearing Makeup?

I decided to tell her that she can wear makeup when she likes to if it does make her happy and feel good about herself. Not that she needs makeup to feel good about herself. We find her perfect the way she is. She should not feel the pressure to alter her appearance- whether she is married, single, in school, college, at work, or otherwise. But she can still choose to, for her own self. Of course, she should be wary of the harmful effects of cosmetics on skin-health and use only those meant for her age. 

So there. I have a good answer ready for Miss Question Mark. But before I can tell her my answer, she asks me another question, with a hint of laughter in her voice. “Mumma, why did my teacher ask the boys too to wear makeup for the annual day dance?” 

There we go again! Another discourse to follow.

Though I secretly love her for it. And secretly thank her for it. She makes me learn as well as unlearn. By the way, I too have decided to travel for my next vacation with my vanity pouch, so far meant only for use at weddings. Because I too want to feel good about myself, just like that.