How We Politicise Indian Weddings On The Basis Of Gender

I’ve always been extra sensitive to the gender politics played around Indian weddings. It is the topic that I’ve been most vocal about since childhood. I am sure that each of my family members reading this would be rolling their eyes, shaking their heads, and saying, “There she goes again”!

If you have grown up in India, you too must know the terms ‘ladkiwale’ and ‘ladkewale’. And how loaded with meaning they are. Yet, to illustrate my point, let me ask you a question. Can you name the one Hindi movie that showcases ideal ladkiwale-ladkewale relations?

Yes, it is ‘Hum Aapke Hain Koun’. The movie serves as the blueprint for cordial in-law relationships. Still, it also speaks to the power imbalance in these relations. Oh, come on! Don’t you remember? Right before the in-laws break into the mildly flirtatious samdhi-samdhan song sequence? When Anupam Kher admits to ‘Kailashnath’ that now their friendship will no longer be of equals? “Ladkiwale hain, jhukna toh padega hi!”, he explains. Kailashnath laughs. I don’t. (Yes, I am that feminist-type who nit-picks on everything. Guilty as charged!)

My mind indeed gets stuck at why it is a given in India that ladkiwale must bow down to the ladkewale. What makes ladkiwale the lesser mortals in these relationships? Only the fact that they’re the family of the bride and not the groom? And what or who makes the groom the more powerful party in the marriage?

The Culprits

The answer is- none other than the ladkiwale themselves! It is the bride’s family which confers the groom with that power and status.

Think about it. Our laws say that both sexes are equal. Our laws have now made demanding dowry a punishable crime. Ladkewalas have more or less stopped demanding dowry since. ‘Dowry’ is now a bad word in our society. Still, ladkiwalas would rather continue with this infamous tradition in the name of ‘gifting’.

How The Gender Balance Gets Tilted In Indian Weddings

I’ve been to a wedding where a brand new car that the bride’s parents gifted to the newlyweds, was put on display. I also know of communities where, as a part of the wedding ceremonies, the ladkiwalas are to display the jewelry, etc. they have bought for the bride. If all these things were gifts of affection alone, as the ladkiwalas would have you believe, why the need to put on a display? Why not quietly send the bride away with the stuff?

Then there are gifts given at the wedding to the groom’s immediate and extended families. Some ladkiwalas have explained these to me as tokens of ‘respect’ or ‘welcome gifts’. These ladkiwalas would not question why they need to welcome the groom’s family even at destination weddings. Or why they don’t deserve the same show of respect by the groom’s family? Once, at the wedding of a friend, I saw her brother wash her future father-in-law’s feet while her own father looked on. I wanted to ask if anyone was going to extend the same courtesy to her father then or later. But I knew it wasn’t my place to question. And I guess I knew the answer too.

The skewed equations from a wedding continue well into the married life of the Indian couple. The woman’s family is to show ‘respect’ to the man’s family on all major festivals in the first year of the marriage. The same goes at the couple’s siblings’ or children’s weddings.

When Gender Imbalance Intersects With Economic Imbalance

What’s more? Well-to-do ladkiwalas go on setting ever higher benchmarks of ‘affection, respect and welcome’. But those with not the same resources struggle to match up. Our office clerk tells us that his family had to take out loans when his sister recently got married. ‘Kanya vivah’ is not a legitimate election issue in our country for nothing. Politicians win elections based on promises of schemes where governments would bear the expenses of poor girls’ weddings.

But should governments be okay in the first place with the girl’s family bearing the lion’s share of the wedding expenses? Why should only ‘beti ki shaadi’ be a major life goal that parents need to save up for? Check out any life insurance company’s advertisement. None of them would tell you that they help you ensure that your son’s wedding goes well when you are not around. That won’t sell.

How The Gender Imbalance of Indian Weddings Is Interpreted

All this makes one wonder if men do women a favour by marrying them. Are women the only beings that need to marry, and men don’t? Are all Indian men actually okay to go the Section 377 way and marry amongst themselves? And it is the women who beg them not to? Why else have we as a country legitimized this concept that ‘Ladkiwale hain, jhukna toh padega’?

And what message does one take away from this system of our society? That the birth of a son in the family is indeed a matter of celebration. After all, having a son means that you sit pretty on a pedestal. It is the girl’s family’s headache to approach you with a marriage proposal for your son. Then, having a son entitles you to veto every decision on the venue or arrangements of the wedding. Having a son also gets you material gifts from time to time. And your family automatically becomes respectable as a whole.

But a girl’s birth is clearly a burden. As a girl’s parent, you are now to give away your savings as gifts, pay respects and bow down all your life. No wonder there is female foeticide in this country. Who wants to get stuck with so much liability?

The Motives And Their Realities

I have two theories on why ladkiwalas still refuse to give up on this tradition of ‘giving’ and ‘bowing down’. One, they believe that they must in some way compensate the groom’s family. Because the groom’s family takes in the girl and maintains her over the rest of her life. But do you see the obvious flaw in this theory? Even the Supreme Court has now figured out this flaw. In a recent case, a homemaker wife’s contribution to the financial state of the family came into question. The Court ruled that her contribution is the same as an office-going husband’s. On this basis, the SC enhanced the accident compensation awarded for a deceased couple. 

So if a woman makes as much contribution to the household as the man, then why this need to compensate the groom’s family?

As per my other theory, ladkiwalas believe that the gifts help the girl earn approval in the new family. What they do not understand is that approval is not going to guarantee the girl’s happiness. Only empowering her is. Making girls seek approval for everything is a very clever social construct. But one which by now should have been seen through and demolished. The more approval the girl seeks, the lower her status in the marital equation goes. And the lower this status, the more she becomes susceptible to abuse.

The Lesson

Ladkiwalas need to wake up to these realities. A smart woman by the name of Eleanor Roosevelt once said:

“No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.”

Indian women and their families should by now be tired of being treated as the inferior class. It is time for them to withdraw their consent from this age-old system of inequality. Stop the unilateral giving and gifting. Demand respect in return for respect. Ask our politicians not to sponsor and reinforce these inequalities in society.

If marriages were made in heaven, why politicise them on earth?