How My Daughter’s Birth Gave New Meaning To My Feminism

The word ‘feminism’ wasn’t commonly used within Indian society till the last decade. My concept of feminism has evolved on its own as I have grown up. As a teen, feminism to me was being a tomboy. And it was rebelling against anyone who told me to learn to cook. In my twenties, feminism meant being a working woman and taking my own financial decisions. Once I got married, my definition of feminism grew wider. It now included not needing anyone’s permission to work late nights or travel for work.

Yet, there was a constant theme in my concept of feminism so far. It was the refusal to adhere to any gender stereotypes. It was also the expectation of being treated as equal to men in my position. All this time, I was a staunch and proud feminist in terms of my definition of the word.

The Churning of My Definition of Feminism

It was only a few years later that I first started experiencing trouble with my own definition of feminism. After nearly seven years of being a lawyer, and I dare say- a fairly good one, I was expecting my child. Around the same time, the law firm I was working with merged into another, larger firm. The entire team was scheduled for interviews with seniors at the new workplace. I decided to go into the interview with the upfront declaration of my pregnancy.

Only, it actually felt like the declaration of a criminal record to an employer. The interviews were supposed to be mere formalities. Yet, the few moments that the people at the other side of the table took to process my disclosure, felt excruciatingly long. I remember my mouth going dry. I was suddenly nervous. For the first time in my life, I had to see myself as less suitable for my work than a man in my position. For the first time, I had to look at myself as not being an absolute equal of a man. My pregnancy had made me feel like less of a feminist.

Anyway, the moments passed. I did end up joining the new workplace. I remember an introductory speech made by the partner heading my team. He assured us that the firm did not require us to invest a certain amount of face-time. We were simply required to add value to the firm’s work. It sounded encouraging.

But the reality differs

A few months later, I was sitting across from the same partner at a routine performance appraisal interview. I remember his words from that day as well. He asked me to ensure that my colleagues do not see me ‘as the pregnant one who packs her bags and leaves for home at 6:30 p.m. every day’. This was the second time I felt less competent than a man in my position and less of a feminist.

He had also asked me about my plans to return to work after giving birth. I remember saying that as it was my first pregnancy, I did not have much of an idea. I was going to see how long I really needed to spend with my new-born child before resuming work.

As it turned out, I wasn’t ready to resume work even at the end of the paid maternity leave. I requested for extension of the leave on an unpaid basis. But it was squarely refused and I was asked to submit a resignation. This was a complete rejection of my perception of myself as a capable lawyer. Surprisingly, this time, I did not feel less in any manner!

The Reconciliation

Yazz was the miracle she never thought she wanted, and having a child really did complete her, something she rarely confided because it somehow seemed anti-feminist

Bernardine Evaristo, ‘Girl, Woman, Other’ (Penguin Random House UK, 2019).

The birth of my daughter brought a sea change in the definition of feminism for me. Because I now reviewed all my beliefs from the lens of the mother who was likely to be the greatest influence on the daughter. Suddenly, I knew that a belief on account of which I felt inferior for choosing to be a parent, had to be wrong. I realized that feminism could not mean an attempt to match up to men and their capabilities. It had to be the acceptance, and even celebration, of a woman’s innate differences. After all, where was the equality in constantly judging myself against a male benchmark? Feminism then became for me the celebration of my choice to not go back to full-time work yet.

The Judgments Over My Definition of Feminism

Surely, it was not easy. Yes, I did not feel the need to come up to the employer’s standards anymore. But now friends and family had started to question my decision. By the time I decided to move from the metropolis to a Tier 2 city, I had been written-off as a professional by most of them. I realized that they all saw me as serving the stereotype of a stay-at-home mother. At some earlier point in my life, I might not have imagined myself in that role too. But now I knew that I was simply chasing my own happiness. I was hoping to create my own space and balance. I also knew that it did not make me any less entitled to respect and equal treatment. Feminism to me no longer meant resisting all conventional roles for the sake of it.

I did have to consistently work up the courage to stay my course. Now, when my daughter announces on one day that she wants to grow up to be a teacher, a chef on the next, and a mother on the day after, I feel thankful that I did find that courage. I feel proud of having shown to her that not one of those roles is lesser than the other. I also feel proud of having evolved and not letting my own definitions drive me.

Now, I feel like a feminist in the true sense of the term.