Can An Indian Woman Choose To Be Childless?

You might have come across recent news from Poland about a law almost banning abortions. You may also have heard of massive demonstrations by Polish women against this law. The protesting women have a common belief. That, as the womb belongs to them, the decision about terminating a pregnancy should be theirs too.

It made me think- How come, in India, we are so used to a woman’s womb being public business? My reference is not to the law on termination of pregnancy. India’s law on the subject is quite progressive by comparison. It allows for termination of pregnancy till the gestational age of 24 weeks. And in quite a few different situations as well. Then, in India, this law serves the social purpose of preventing female foeticide. So it is not the law that bothers me. What I actually refer to here is the concern the general public has with a woman’s womb. Especially, the childless woman’s womb. 

The Indian Woman’s Childless State Is A Public Concern

Of course, the concern only starts with the marriage of the woman. An unmarried mother stands at the other end of the spectrum of concern. God forbid, a woman is found to be pregnant before the day of her wedding! But come the next morning, and all the world seems to be waiting for her to reproduce. 

I and my family too have been through our share of questions and insinuations. My mom used to be at pains to explain to people that I had planned the 5-year long gap between my wedding and my child’s birth. And that it was not on account of any treatment for ‘infertility’. 

Note that the masterstroke here is asking questions to the mother. People know by instinct that the mother is the best person to prod in the family. She is the one who will, in turn, prod the daughter. Because the public concern will now become the mother’s foremost worry.

Anyway, the prodding questions for me stopped after my daughter happened. But I saw some of my friends still struggle with them as they remained in ‘families of two’. I know that most of these women are happy without being mothers. Some of them work, some work at home, some are artists and some are activists. They don’t consider themselves unfortunate. And they don’t judge their own worth based on their parental status. There may be some grief for not having a child, but these women have learnt to take it into their stride and deal with it. Their only problem is that people, their questions and opinions wouldn’t let them. 

Is A Childless Life, A Meaningless Life?

People ask these women a range of questions. From ‘when are we getting the good news?’ to ‘why don’t you avail treatment?’ to ‘why not adopt?’. Some questions seem to come out of the belief that a woman’s real purpose of being isn’t served till she becomes a mother. Or that her existence is meaningless and incomplete without a child. Now, these beliefs may have had some validity in the past. Like, when women were ‘supposed’ to only manage homes and nurture families. And when their horizons were limited. But today, when women have found the freedom to pursue interests beyond home and family? Tying their happiness with motherhood alone is hardly understandable now.

Then there are questions like ‘who will support you in your old age?’ As if we are supporting our parents! Globalisation has ensured that most of us live in nuclear families. Our parents are more self-reliant in this age than their predecessors. Do we still need to reproduce so that we have someone to take care of us in the 2050s?

Unsolicited Advice Is Pointless Advice

Yes, parenthood does bring great joys. Especially as a new parent, you experience feelings that are overwhelmingly beautiful. Perhaps that is why you assume that everyone would want to experience them. I admit that I too have made such assumptions. I assumed that the reluctance to breed on the part of a woman I knew, was temporary. And that she will find the desire in time, or that her ‘biological clock’ will start ticking soon. It was only later that I realized that the joys of parenthood entailed some serious opportunity costs. And that everyone need not ‘want’ to make that trade.

Even if one knows that a couple wants a child but are unable to conceive, advising them doesn’t help. Unless, of course, one has invented an all-new medical approach to curing infertility. Otherwise, one can assume that the couple already has any information they need. It is all available publicly. The couple would also have taken their own decision about the length they want to go to with their efforts. In fact, with all the advising, one runs the risk of making them feel inadequate unnecessarily.

I now know one thing for certain from my interactions with my friends. All they want is for the advice, concern and questions to stop. Even when the person talking means well, they would prefer to avoid such talk. As one of my friends said- “all curiosity is too much curiosity in this matter”. Another said that she doesn’t mind the question ‘do you have a kid?’ so long as people can accept her “simple answer with the same grace with which she is answering the question”. And stop prodding further. 

The Social Question

Another friend of mine once shared how she answers questions like “why don’t you try another doctor?”. She cites sermons of Sadhguru. He, in turn, questions why we need fertility treatments in a country with our population. He says he has instituted an award for women who choose not to bear children, and advocates adoption instead. 

Having A Child Or Being Childless Needs To Be Recognised As A Choice 

It all boils down to this. We now live in the era of scientific and medical advancement. Several birth control methods, and fertility treatments are available for the asking. Reproduction is no longer the obvious next step to marriage. Nor is a childless life pre-ordained.

Adoption too is an option.

Even though our society treats one’s parental status as an issue of ‘national importance’, it is not one. Having a child or being childless needs to be treated socially as what it is today. A personal choice. Let’s stop looking at it as a rite of passage for married women. Let’s let them be.